Steward of Mysteries

Transitions are hard, especially when they seem to drag on and on. I had to turn in my final paperwork for graduation, so I came back to my favorite place on earth. I was a little disheartened to find that I don’t really fit here anymore.I don’t seem to fit anywhere right now. I have come to realize that life goes on when you leave. My friends at home have moved on, and now my friends at school have moved on too. And here I am, floating around until I know what’s next for me. It is an interesting place to be, that’s for sure.

For the last 10 months I have slowly but surely been working on an application for the International Mission Board to be a Journeygirl. I have completed everything and have been waiting to hear if they will invite me to the February Candidate Conference. I am beside myself to announce that I recieved a letter saying that I am invited! I can’t believe that I am finally to this point. I thought the day would never come. The rest of the story is still uncertain, and whether or not I will get to go is still uncertain. But it is more likely now than ever before.

I have been looking back, and I can’t help but see how the Lord has been preparing me -and my family too. I went to Africa for the first time, and my heart was changed forever. I came home and all I could do was cry when I tried to explain it all. I still can’t explain it, but it began a great passion for going overseas. I came to Lakeview, which just so happens to be extremely devoted to equipping and sending missionaries. Through discipleship, I came to know the Lord and His Word like never before. He brought about great healing in my life and prepared me to disciple others. I worked for missionaries at the coffee shop, and spent many days talking about their experiences. There has just been so many things.

So, though this transition has been a struggle… I am thankful for it. It is this feeling of not fitting in that makes it easier to go somewhere completely different. I would dare say, that my car wreck is also something the Lord has used to help me with this decision. My grandparents offered to buy me another Civic for graduation. I struggled with this for a a few weeks and was so convicted that I could not accept it, even though I really wanted to. I knew that there was a possiblity of me going overseas. The car would either sit and not be used, or it would become a temptation for me to stay here. I had to ask myself if I was really willing to give up the car. Yes, I am. I still think I am crazy for doing it… but I have been crazy for reasons far less worthy. The car issue also opened the doors for me to talk with my grandparents about the possiblity of going overseas. I love my grandparents very much, and I know they worry about me. I wanted to spare them the worry and not tell them until it was necessary. To be honest, I was nervous to tell them. However, they responded in a way that I did not expect. My parents and my brother and sister have been the same way. They are all very supportive of my decision! I was so worried they wouldn’t be. I know that all of this is the Lord’s doing!

Over and over, God has confirmed my desire. I am so excited about whatever is next for me. May I never despise hard transitions. Who knows what the Lord may be preparing me for?

I packed up my life in Auburn and headed to Birmingham. On the drive home, I was thinking about what was to come and all that I was leaving behind. All of a sudden, everything came to a tramautic hault. I saw the truck pull out with just enough time to scream out, and then CRASH… while going 60 miles an hour, I hit the the side of it full force. My car spun around, the air bags deployed, glass went everywhere and I stopped, facing the opposite direction. I was stunned.
I remember hearing the hiss of the airbags as they deflated and my cd skip and then turn back on. The white powder from the airbags made it hard to breath. I sat there for a minute. I tried to gather my senses enough to see if I felt pain anywhere. I didn’t feel any. The fog from the airbags made my throat burn so I opened the door to get some air. Then, I felt a tinge of pain run from my hand up to my elbow. I watched my blood make a puddle on the ground next to my car, but I couldn’t figure out where it was coming from. I lifted up my arm and saw shards of glass poking into it. It was about this time that I began understanding what happened.
A woman who witnessed the accident came to help me. She asked if I was okay and what she could do. I was still really stunned and struggled to make complete sentences, but I told her I needed to call my mom. She sat me on the curb and brought my phone to me. She also grabbed a shirt from my backseat to wrap my arm in. I talked to my parents, and my stepdad immediately got into the car to come get me. He was still almost 2 hours away though. I vaguely remember calling Jenn and leaving her a message. I’m not sure what I said, but she called me back quickly. While I was on the phone with her, a fire fighter came to talk to me. I was having a hard time making since of what he was saying. He took the phone from me and talked to Jenn.

There were now two women sitting with me on the curb. The second woman looked very familiar. The first woman got me water, and asked what I wanted out of my car. I asked her to get my Bible and my computer. She asked me where they were, but my sentences weren’t making since. I decided to just walk over to the car to show her. When I turned to walk back towards the curb, there seemed to be ten people standing around me trying to ask questions. I got really frazzled and confused. The fire fighter handed my phone back as the paramedic asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital. I said, “I don’t know. Do I need to go?” He said, “Well, I wouldn’t, but it’s up to you.” Then I hear Jenn talking on the reciever. She told me to go with them to the hospital and wait for my stepdad there. So that is what I did. My stepdad called back to figure out how to get to me. I didn’t know so I handed my phone to the fire fighter. Then, they put me on a stretcher and raised me into the back of an ambulance. When they closed the door, I saw my car through the window. It was a sight to behold. The paramedic told me I was lucky to be alive. I said, “I’m not lucky. It is by the grace of Jesus.”
I went to the hospital, they cleaned my hand, x-rayed my arm, and did a CT scan. I walked away with only a few scratches and bruises. Praise Jesus! The second woman, the one who looked so familiar, came to the hospital. She brought my book bag with my Bible and computer inside. She also had my phone. She had talked to my mother, my sister, and my stepdad and explained the situation to each of them. She took care of my car, moved my guitar to the trunk, and had it towed. Her name is Brownie Caldwell. It turns out, I met her a few months earlier while I taught music at her school. She is a PE coach. I had my guitar with me the day I met her, and she recognized the guitar strap. She was a precious gift from the Lord.
It was not an ideal start to my new season of life. I can see the Lord’s hand in it though. He protected me and allowed me to meet the woman months in advance who would serve as such a blessing in a time of need. I’m not sure of his purpose through it all, but I will trust him.

They abandoned you and built their altar.
On the name of their god they called.
“O Baal! Answer us!” they shouted.
But their words on sleeping ears did fall.

“Come here to me! See what my God will do.”
With stones I built an altar in your name.
“Answer me!” I cried, “So they will know you are God.
Turn their hearts back to you again.”

Your fire rained down and consumed it all.
Your power was put on display.
The people fell to their faces and cried.
“The Lord –he is God” they did say.

In your name the false prophets I murdered,
so my own life was sought by the queen.
The clouds turned black; a struggle was coming.
My heart feared though your power I’d seen.

I fled in fear and was wearied by the journey,
but you strengthened me with food from your hand.
For forty days I traveled to find you. You said,
“Go out on the mountain and stand.”

The earth around me shattered and trembled.
I searched for your presence in vain.
The ground shook but I did not see you.
You were not in the fiery flame.

Following the chaos I found you;
a gentle whisper in my ear.
The glory and power of your Word
filled my heart with reverent fear.

My life is changing and it scares me. Am I equipped to do this on my own?
Soon, I will be leaving the people who know me. The people who know my quirks, who know what’s important to me, who know what I like and don’t like, and who know my struggles. I suppose there is a season for everything and loneliness is included.
I think the desire to be known is in the heart of every human, particularly the heart of a woman. Maybe that is where our insecurity comes from? Think about it, women were created for relationships. The very first woman was created from man and for man. While man is content to work, woman is content just to be with him. Her desire is the relationship. I think this entails friendships too. I know I cherish my close friends. I find great comfort in them. I often times depend on them.
During my dates with Jesus over the past few weeks, I have been reading Kings. Elijah spends much time alone. The enemy even tries to remind him of just how alone he is. God encourages Elijah though. He reminds him of the remnant that is still there. Just because they aren’t in plain sight, doesn’t mean they don’t exist. Then God brings Elisha into his life. I am a big fan of Elisha. I imagine their friendship was very sweet. They walked together, served the Lord together, and encouraged one another. Eliljah helped equip Elisha for what the Lord was going to do through him. Then God took Elijah and Elisha was left alone.
Both of these great men of the faith had to walk alone. For a short while the Lord allowed them a companion, but not for long. Why would the Lord give and take away? It seems unfair to me. However, what would have happened if they had eachother all along? They would never have known what it was like to be completely dependent on the Lord. They wouldn’t have understood that the Lord really is enough. It seems that in order to do great things for the Lord, sometimes you have to walk alone.
Looking through the flesh, this still seems unfair. I have invested four years of my life into my friends only for them to be stripped away from me. I know the truth though. My time spent here was sweet. I learned so much and was encouraged. Now I must walk alone in order to be completely dependant on the Lord; in order to do great things for him. Even though I can’t completely understand, this is the Lord’s kindness. He knows me and he desires that I know him because there is no greater pleasure.

Psalm 139:1 O Lord, you have searched me and you know me.

Only hours before, the sun illuminated
the familiar road that you have always known.

Now you are alone, walking home in darkness
with no beacon of light to guide your way.

The harder you strain to see through the blackness,
the more it seems to overwhelm your sight.

Nightmares turn to reality in the shadows
while you try to say that you are not afraid.

Danger lurks in the unending nighttime;
a picture of what existed all along.

Pride wants you to be strong on your own
but the pounding of your heart gives you away.

What an honor to serve you,
Lord above all and King of all kings.
Giver of breath, sustainer of life,
you spoke into being all things.

You say so and the rain falls,
to fill the need of a dying land.
Shouldn’t I too follow your Word?
My life a vessel in your hand.

Tell me what is wisdom,
if it is not heard?
Jesus give me ears to listen
and a heart that loves your Word.

I see you now through a window;
through the vail of what I’ve done.
Oh the day the window is opened and
the vail is lifted to let in the sun.

I love my house for a number of different reasons. One being, I can just walk out the door and hop on the sidewalk. I set a little 2 mile loop for myself. In one place, the sidewalk is on a backroad, so it weaves in and out of trees and follows a little creek. It is so beautiful!

I have gotten to where I crave going on a walk. It is a good time to think and talk things out with Jesus. I take a notecard that has a few verses of scripture on it. If I am not distracted by passing cars or squirrels, I repeat the verses in my mind over and over again and try to figure out their meaning.

I was taking a break from reading an arcticle for my ‘Fundamentals of Language and Literacy Instruction’ class and decided to go on a walk. The article talked a lot about the differences in influential teachers and noninfluential teachers. The thing that caught my attention was influential teachers ask higher order questions while noninfluential teachers strictly ask text-based questions. Higher order questions ask something like, ”Why is it this way?” or “How are they different?” While text-based questions strictly ask facts found in the text. The first gets the students thinking and sorting things out themselves, while the second is flat and doesn’t get the students involved in the story at all.

So I had that in the back of my mind while reading the verses I had on my notecard. These are the verses:

Proverbs 19:2 -Desire without knowledge is not good,and whoever makes haste with his feet misses his way. 

James 1:14-15 -but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

Jeremiah 17:9 -The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?

So, instead of looking at the verses and checking them off… fact one, fact two, fact three, I started asking myself questions. Why is desire without knowledge not good? What happens when you desire something and know nothing about it? What happens when you don’t check to see what’s in front of you and take a step?

About the same time I started asking myself these questions, I got to the the place on my walk where the sidewalk weaves in a out of trees. I imagined what would happen if I closed my eyes and took off running. I would run smack into a tree. Now, had I been cautious and looked where I was going I would not have ran into the tree. This very literal example turned on my imagination, and this vision played out in my mind.

I imagined I was standing at the entrance of a very long hallway, and down the hall I could see nothing but absolute darkness. I only knew two things: 1.There is light at the end, and, 2. There are obstacles in various places. I think my initial desire would be to get to the end as fast as possible. If I were to give into that desire, I would hastily speed through pitch darkness and most certainly miss my step along the way. I would be unaware of the obstacle in front of me, and run right into it. However, if I were to slowly feel my way through the darkness I could be prepared to take the obstacles with caution, and in due time I would make it to the end.

The hallway is very much like life. I can hastily make decisions, only thinking about my desire at the moment, or I can slowly feel my way, allowing Jesus to guide my steps. There will be obstacles regardless, but I will be better prepared for them when I approach them with Jesus at my side. A very wise friend of mine likes to say, “The best way to be prepared for tomorrow, is to walk with Jesus today.”

I hide deep from you my hearts plans; struggling to trust you can understand. But you created me, you formed by heart. Only you can satisfy the deepest part.

You make known to me the path of life. With you set before me, I walk in light. The lines have fallen in a pleasant place. Sustain me within them until I see your face.

You set eternity in the hearts of man. Intricate creation evidence of your hand. Oh to know the depths of you and all that you are. Enlighten my eyes. Soften my heart.

Take care, lest you forget the Lord your God and his faithfulness. Make him your desire, a jealous God, a consuming fire.

There are times I speak for the sake of being heard. As if something I say can add more value to your Word.

When I know the Word of life should be spoken, in my fear I’m silent while the hurting stands there broken.

Often I preoccupy my time with being busy, though nothing I do can earn the love that you have for me.

When I feel your spirit gently leading me, my body’s worn and tired from running myself empty.

There is a battle going on inside me, waging war against my soul.

I have been rescued from bondage yet to my chains I hold.

How strange that I would do the very thing that I despise. I thought I stood but here I am fallen from my pride.

When I take for granted the grace you have shown me, remind me Lord that who I am is who I am becoming.

Even though I’m broken, I won’t let them see me cry. I put on a stoic face and am hardened by my pride.

Am I not worth the effort or the time of day? Do I measure my value by the things they say?

What has been passed down to me, but the empty ways of man?

It’s not in these I have value, but in the precious blood of the Lamb.

I have built barriers that must be taken down. Faithfully break me and bring them to the ground.

Now I’m left shattered, no longer able to stand, but in that very moment He reaches out His hand.

“I’m Father to the fatherless, you are my child.

In my arms I’ll uphold you, now rest for awhile.”

For me they are to heavy. Too much for me to bear. Everyday I must lay them down and trust His grace is there.

Thoughts of this overtake me. I will not be consumed! Though my compassions fail me, every morning His renewed.

“Come to me you weary! In your weakness I am strong.

In my arms I’ll carry your burdens all day long.”

Teach me to love them the same way He loves me. Even while I was running He pleaded on His knees.

“Father if your able, spare me from the pain. Above all else Your will be done. My life for her gain.”

What has been passed down to them but the empty ways of man?

They don’t yet know the power in the precious blood of the lamb.